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PSST… I’VE NEVER HAD A VALENTINE (AND IT’S NOT A BIG DEAL)


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Dear Valentine,

Where the frack are you? I have been waiting sooo firkin long for you to come out of the wood work of cascading first dates. Year after year of being starry-eyed after the clock strikes New Year thinking I still got a chance b/c there is still the entire month of January to turn around my singledom (I make up words) before the heart ❤️ shaped confetti whirls around me on the 14th of February. Where is my grand romantic gesture? Like the ones you see in all the rom-coms that I adore. Maybe you’re a secret admirer? Well come on then. Make a move! Like a spontaneous romantic weekend getaway ? The torrential rain fall kiss that catches us off guard in downtown? Maybe we will lock eyes across a Vegas dance floor and bear our souls when we make it to the middle. Perhaps a late night research project turned to a date? I mean C’mon even an edible arrangement will do. You could have been anyone of those guys. Is there something wrong with me?… Oh wait. I’ve already had all of those experiences…Just not on V-day. So I’m going to continue to pout and make it mean all kinds of ugly things about me.

That’s pretty much how I used to relate to Valentines Day before I came into my own as a person and as a woman. For the longest time I felt mentally bulldozed by popular propaganda that if I was alone on V-Day it meant that I was lacking something. Even though I have had many wonderful dating adventures, somehow it means there is something wrong with me because I don’t have “A” valentine or a ring on my finger. If you are a girl and alone on V-day it must be because you’re not attractive enough, not skinny enough, not curvy enough,  not sexy enough or intelligent enough to attract a mate. Maybe it’s because your too confident, too unapproachable, to goal oriented, too picky or too independent. These are all rationalizations that I have heard women ask themselves and impose upon me. And now I look back and think “SERIOUSLY?” How in the world did I ever think these dialogues with myself and other women were ever acceptable. That there was something lacking in me that needed to be corrected before anyone would ever fathom being with me. Furthermore, I was roped into the belief that it was something that wasn’t happening to me. A circumstance that was created with out my participation or personal choice. That I had to be chosen by a man and deemed worthy instead of me calling the shots. And by being chosen by some other’s subjective perspective, then and only then would I be deemed worthy defined by beauty, status and success. Otherwise I would basically be failing at Darwinian selection. The horror! Thankfully women like myself are waking up to the bold face lie.

YOU CAME INTO THIS WORLD WHOLE, PERFECT, AND COMPLETE.

Here is a concept. I don’t have a Valentine because I choose not to. What?! I know right! It’s a mind-blowing concept in the 21st century. And no I’m not saying I’m choosing to be alone. I would actually love to be in a relationship. However, I refuse to be in a relationship just for the sake of being in a relationship. I refuse to settle for a lackluster experience when it comes to being in love. And I’m not interested in wasting my energy faking it when that same energy could be used to create other things I find meaningful in this life. Nope, I want fireworks! And don’t even try to tell me that doesn’t exist. Because I have seen it. And if it exists then why can’t I have that too? Exactly, there is no good reason why I can’t if beck with the long hair can. Same goes for you. So tell me I have my head up in the clouds. I don’t care. I rather be alone than basically hand my heart to someone while saying ” You’ll do”.

Also, whats with this lingering misconception that one must be paired up with a suitable mate to truly be happy and fulfilled with one’s life? Does my life, the things I have created, the non-romantic relationships I have fostered, and the experiences I have allowed myself to feel joy in not amount to a damn thing if I’m single? Is it really hard to believe that I can experience the same level of happiness, joy and contentment as my paired up counterparts? I don’t think so. So do your single friends a favor people. Stop feeling sorry for them and trying to set them up (unless they want you to). And if only for a moment, believe them when they say “I’m good :)”.

So ladies if you are single on Valentines please don’t fret. Enjoy the day, celebrate love, or ignore it because it’s just another consumerist holiday. Basically do whatever you want. Just don’t get yourself down about it because it doesn’t mean a damn thing about you. And if you do have a Valentine than that’s awesome too. Do all the things mentioned above. Just keep in mind it also doesn’t mean a damn thing about you 😉

Happy V-DAY

♥️ 💜 ♥️

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LET’S DEFINE FEMINISM


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In light of recent political developments and the rise of various political figures the feminist movement is on a bold rise again. However, feminism isn’t a new concept. The roots of the movement can be traced back to 1895 in the UK and the US. Originally it focused on equal contract and property rights for women. We even had to fight for the equal right to our own babies…that we carry….inside of us…using up our life source like aliens…for nine months… but I digress. By the end of the nineteenth century activists primarily focused on political mobility, particularly the right of women suffrage. Even back then feminists such as Voltairine de Cleyre and Margaret Sanger were still active in campaigning for women’s sexual, reproductive, and economic rights at this time. (History facts from this page)
Basically we feminist, and I say feminist because it is unwise to use women and feminist interchangeable (sadly not all women subscribe to the idea of feminism, and men can be feminist too 🙂 ), have been fighting for this ish a loooong frikin time!
Often times when it comes to politically charged verbiage the meaning and definition of terms gets misconstrued and warped into all kinds of ideas and meanings; to the extent that nobody knows what the hell they are really talking about. So I thought I would take a moment and sit right here and explain what feminism is and who a feminist is.
What it is:
noun
noun: feminism
  1. the advocacy of women’s rights on the basis of the equality of the sexes.
    synonyms: the women’s movement, the feminist movement, women’s liberation, female emancipation, women’s rights;

    informal women’s lib
    “a longtime advocate of feminism”

     

Feminist:

noun
noun: feminist; plural noun: feminists
  1. 1.
    a person who supports feminism.
adjective
adjective: feminist
  1. 1.
    relating to or supporting feminism.
    “feminist literature”

     

Who and What it is not:

  • ONLY Women that hate men.
  • The belief that women are superior to men.
  • ONLY women that are lesbians.
  • Someone that hates bananas and Gwen Stefani’s “Hollaback Girl” song.
  • Someone that ONLY likes to dress “masculine”.
  • Someone that ONLY likes to dress “feminine”.
  • The belief that circular shapes are superior to triangle shapes.
  • Someone that views being “feminine” negatively.
  • Someone that views being “masculine” negatively.
  • Someone that hates the color pink.
  • Someone that believes everyone should be just like them.
  • Women that are ugly and single. And probably will be until the day they die.

The list can go on and on but hopefully you get the idea. And the idea (in case you missed it) is that these alternative opinions and beliefs about feminism and feminist are ridiculous and completely misinformed. Clearly some of these ideas are much easier to identify as absurd than the others, but none the less they are all absurd. These negative notions circling the movement are nothing but false accusations made by individuals with overcompensating egos (poor little things). Now do some of those variations exist. Yes. But they do not construct the definition of feminism. Furthermore, if someone does perpetuate these sort of negative beliefs whilst calling themselves a feminist then they are severely dissociated from the movement. Unfortunately, yes there are dum dum’s peddling these ideas and stereotypes out there. But do you really want to join them in their dum dum-ness? I didn’t think so. So don’t be a dum dum. Be informed.

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#THIRSTY


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When you get so thirsty for the universe the answers you uncover daily are no longer satisfying. What you really crave is the unknown your soul is begging to know. Like the sensation of a forgotten word on the tip of your tongue…except its on the tip of your mind. Scratch that. It’s on the tip of your being: the feelings, the sensations that are you. Begging to ask questions that are strange yet instantly sacred. The realization of even one would shatter the confining false hologram that is you; in the best way. Releasing every glittering charged bit of dust like a dying star. Death and creation beautifully entangled in an infinite light.

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THE CASUAL MAN


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Sooooo the past couple of months ( 6-ish) I have been talking to this guy. Let’s name him “Roger” for the sake of anonymity. I met him on a popular dating website and right away made it very clear that I was looking for more than just a hook up and was aiming to find something more substantial. He said he felt the same and so with a leap of faith I jumped into the untested waters of Roger.

In the beginning it was great. We had great chemistry over texts and the conversation was easy and flowing… and so we texted, and texted… and texted… and wait its been a few weeks since we started talking… shouldn’t this guy be asking me out by now? At first I thought it was nice that he wasn’t pushing anything on me but then quickly the thought became frustrating. Like why the hell wasn’t this guy trying to make plans to meet up if he’s so in to me? So naturally I asked him, “Dude? Why haven’t you asked me out yet?”. His reply, ” I didn’t want to seem pushy and figured you would ask to hang out when you were ready”. Damn I hate it when I can’t argue with someones reasoning when it makes sense. Initially I thought wow thats so sweet and considerate. But at the time I had also fallen victim to the rose colored glasses I put on a week ago. You know the ones, obnoxious heart shaped sunnies that blur all sense of intuition and well reasoned judgment.

Anywhoo we ended up meeting up ( a plan that I initiated) and had a great time and blah blah blah. We continued our conversations and stayed in touch until one day I found myself so annoyed at the realization that this guy had literally never put in any effort to initiate any meet ups or dates. Although he made himself available to me when I initiated conversations or made plans to hang out (which by the way always ended up being at his place) he never made the effort to make plans or move the relationship forward in any way.

Shortly after a two week span of not hearing from him (yes I was testing to see if he would reach out if I wasn’t the one perpetuating the conversation) I decided to put an end to this game. I explained to him I wasn’t really getting what I had hoped for out of our interaction. And so we ended it. And that was that or so I thought.

About two months later I get a text from him explaining that he missed our interaction, and that he would be better about giving me what I wanted and so on. I made a case for my hesitation to jump back in. BUT being the hopeless romantic that I am, I decided to give it another go.

I should NOT have done that. Hind sight is always 20/20 right? Going forward the second time I made it very clear what I wanted. And by no means were my expectations unreasonable. I explained I expected the same amount of energy being put into the relationship as I was investing. No one sided crap where I was always the one doing the work to make plans. I wanted to feel wanted and missed equally. These are not unreasonable expectations people! And he said he totally understood and promised that going forward things would be different. But were they? Nope. During the second time around I was scheduled to have a minor surgery for some health related issues. The day before the surgery we were texting and I was talking about how nervous I was. Forward to the day of, and the day after, and the week post surgery; I had not received a single text from him asking how I was doing. At this point I felt like I could have been dead and this guy would not have cared. Where was the friendship, where was the interest, where was he?

You see Roger is the type of guy that is always there when you want to hang out. Does wonders for your self esteem when you are talking to him. He makes you feel like your the only girl in the world when your with him. He’s not titling around on his phone,  makes you laugh, can hold intelligent conversation, likes to talk about his family, and definitely knows how to give you all those warm wonderful feels that you mistake as proof of a building relationship. Yet he is also the type of guy that never initiates plans, somehow always manages to steer the conversation so it ends on a sexual note, and when you do hang out it always ends up being at his place where he cleverly mixes the right amount of hanging out that inevitably leads to “netflix and chill” time. When your with him every thing feels great.  But as soon as you leave a giant “WAIT WTF IS GOING ON?” hits you smack in the face in the form of a face palm. And since you agreed to a casual interaction with a “lets see how things go” clause, you never really can justify your irritation. But when someone can’t even extend you the common curtesy of following up with you post surgery to see how your doing, that says something about their level of involvement with you (not a high bar dude). And that was the moment I knew where I fell on his social ranking list. It was an interaction of convenience for him. If a good time in the form of me came his way he wasn’t going to reject it, but he also didn’t see the worth in working to keep it going.

To say the least Roger has been a mind F@!#. He made me feel like I was investing in a relationship/friendship that had potential. More importantly he made me feel like our relationship was of value to him. However, in reality there really never was a “we”; just a string of casual interactions that were no different than a casual activity to him. He was wrong in all the right ways, positively uplifting, making it extremely difficult for my ego to shut him out. At first it was light and fun. But then I started noticing the offset balance of attachment and the absence of an actual friendship between us. Once that became clear the interaction quickly spiraled downward and proved to be too taxing on my patience and the frustration ended up outweighing the fun I had when I was with him. Roger had to go.

From this experience I gained clarity on a very important realization that has been dying to get in the spotlight of my mind. I DESERVE to be a priority. And I will not settle for anything less from the people that want in on my inner social circle. Especially the someone I am considering being in a romantic relationship with. Don’t sell yourself short. Ever.

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27 DRESSES…ish


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Facts:

Bridesmaid x3

Maid of Honor x3

Whaaaat I’m a likable person… Just not by the type of men I’m attracted to apparently (tall, handsome, charming, kind). Please laugh. The least I can do is laugh at my daddy issues while I sort them out.

Whats the big deal?

Well it’s really not. Just that as soon as my best friend told me her boyfriend of 4yrs had popped the question over labor day weekend I had the most annoying conversation with my brain.

Me: Yes! Finally! Im so happy for her! Awwwww ❤

Brain: Yayyyyy, but this officially makes you the only single gal in your girl gang.

Me: So…

Brain: Well its not like your getting any younger.

Me: *GASP* What kind of a monster would say that.

Brain: Seriously? When the hell is it gonna be our turn. WTF? Get it together woman!!!

Me:   

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THE YOUNGER MAN


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If you are an older female feeling a bit insecure and bogged down by age old standards of acceptable age ranges for suitable men then do read on. This conversation was spurred on by this nagging insecurity that decided to break though after recently dating a younger guy. Prior to this I firmly stuck to my belief that love is love and age is just a number. And I still completely subscribe to this belief. However, it didn’t stop the societal chatter from breaking in and introducing an intermittent feeling of self-doubt. I hope the following conversation I had with my cousin and his perspective as a younger man dating an older woman will aid in making one thing clear… You SHOULD always always always do whatever the frack you feel like doing (as long as you’re not some psycho serial killer type) 🙂 RenderedImage-1.PNGRenderedImage.PNG

The only thing left to do now is to go forth and be unapologetically you ❤

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IT’S JUST LIFE BABE


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So I am in an interesting head space lately. I just turned the big Three-O a few months ago and all of a sudden I’m beginning to feel all sorts of social norms and expectations being imposed on me. I am not sure if these feelings are entirely of my own making or if I am indeed picking up on social cues. I have a strong feeling it is a mixture of the two.

For clarity lets get acquainted  with some facts that are fueling this fire. By the way this is going to make me cringe while I do this. Because these facts are precisely the parts of me I am far from being proud of. Also, they are the source of the flattening of enjoyment I experience when I meet someone new (a type of experience that I adore(d)). Incidentally these encounters have also become the primary source of the feelings of judgment I am experiencing. But inevitably these facts are necessary points that we discuss with strangers. And often times these are the typical facts we use to size people up to some arbitrary measure of “worthiness”. Because ultimately they do mean something…right?

  1. Age: I am 30.
  2. Housing: I have been living with my parents for the past 6 months.
  3. Occupation: Graduate Student/Misc. Job
  4. Transportation: I do not have a car.
  5. Relationship Status: Single.
  6. Financial Status: Broke AF

First of all let me say what a bizarre feeling this is to reduce myself to these categories. Like I really really hate it. Yes I would love to improve myself in ALL of these areas. Trying to do so is something I find gratifying. However, being measured up by social status indicators alone and not the journey, or the passion, or the effort that is being put into improving myself is truly disheartening. Looking at just the facts I amount to nothing short of a scrub (in the words of TLC). According to this game the only cards I hold are: I am pursuing a degree #ambitions,  and  my age is something I have no control over #life ;P. However, none of these external validators are constants. And to solely rely on them is detrimental to maintaining mental fitness. This is not a fun way to engage with myself or life. There is so much more to a person than there age, occupation, living arrangement, relationship status, and financial status. And these categories isolated out of the context of the life they belong to are far from the reasons we actually decide to build relationships beyond the first meet and greet with a stranger. That is exactly why even after knowing there is much more to me, I still struggle with shaking the feeling of inadequacy.

I have always sort of done things on my own time. Never really one to be motivated by external pressure. Don’t get me wrong. I definitely feel the anxiety pile up at times.  But that usually happens when I get caught up in the comparison game (the most pointless game ever). I guess meeting new people as of late forces the dialogue of comparison in my mind. And it does not resonate well with me at all. And that is because I am not 100 % happy with myself. I can admit that. And when I’m not at my best, like most people, I enjoy the occasional pat on the back in the form of an affirmation from someone other than myself that I am on the “right track”. Walking on the tight rope of external validation can be tricky though: it’s easy to tip right off into the deep end.

The more I look into this dialogue with myself I am quickly becoming very aware of the fact that no one can give me the validation I crave other than myself. People will have there opinions and share them just like I do. But at the end of the day the only two things that should be on my list of concerns in all of this are the following:

  1. Loving Me, Myself, and I.
  2. And showing myself compassion in the face of any perceived short coming.

The truth is you and I are already enough. I just need to remember that. Everything else is just embellishment. Do I think life would be more enjoyable if I improved all of the items mentioned in my list above. Definitely! And all I can do is try and try harder. Just not at the expense of loving myself. Loving myself is a much more fun and productive head game to play than the comparison game. And showing compassion to myself is key to healthy self-evaluation and self-improvement.  And when I think about it, I only want those in my space that want to bring more love than doubt into my life. As a result of this attitude I find my list of “close friends” dwindling and my social interactions shifting from quantity to quality. It was scary at first. But when I realized this pruning of people in my life was actually a marvelous space for growth I welcomed it with open arms.

I learned that I love myself and the possibilities in life way too much to allow myself to give these insecurities too much significance. I still have days and weeks where I really struggle with applying this mindset. I can only trust and hope that it will get easier. Sometimes I wonder if I will “wake up” in my old age and think “well S%&t, we really messed it up this time around!”. For now I’m hoping that learning how to focus my energy on creating and cultivating the most joy that I can for myself will in time help the rest of the pieces of my life come together in the best way. Let’s see shall we 😉

 

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GRATITUDE


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I realize that my life is not vastly different from others when juxtaposed to the big picture of life. It’s kind of like placing a black and white anatomical sketch of dendrites next to a sketch of trees. Ok maybe thats not the best comparison (better suited for a discussion of fractal time and self-similar processes)…but you know what I mean…Right? I know I will most likely never be able to relate to the ups and downs in my life solely from the collective vantage point of “we”. Therefore rendering me almost completely incapable of being able to go through life with total understanding and non-reactive to the moments I experience… I will always and forever relate to the good and the bad in my life from an inevitably framed mind set of “Me!”. It’s a simple truth. My life is about me. As much as I try to humble myself by acknowledging the hardships others endure or am just in awe of some random persons $2k per day lifestyle. Someone else’s ups and downs will never create the same magnitude of waves as my personal up’s and down’s. And you know what. That is more than just ok.

Recently I have been dealing with a lot of stress and anxiety due to various “issues” that have popped up in life. Some re-occuring (I should look into that) and some new. But in relation to these obstacles I have been minimizing my feelings and beating myself up for feeling stressed, anxious and depressed. I keep telling myself to SUCK IT UP because there are a ton of people out there that have it way worse than you… Or GET IT TOGETHER WOMAN (spoken in the most dramatic voice you can imagine) because there are people counting on you (like myself, family &friends etc.) But that never helps. If anything it just worsens my mood. Because it’s not about “them” it’s about me. What I’m trying to say is. Im learning it’s ok to feel crappy. It’s ok to make it about me. That’s the only way to heal. Because when you start making it about you, that’s when you find out what works for you and what doesn’t. And when you give yourself a chance to get in touch with you.. well thats when you begin to make informed choices on the next best move in the game of life for you. And when you “do you” you feel good. And when you feel good that’s when your able to truly give from a place of joy. And that is the best kind of being in my opinion.

So in an effort to “do me” I’m learning what I am about. Instead of beating myself up like I normally would (which was a result of learned behavior and expected behavior from others close to me) I have chosen to show myself some gratitude and compassion. Gratitude being the key lesson this week. Just working on being grateful for the littlest things that are in MY life makes a huge difference in how I feel and relate to moments. And as crazy as it sounds I’m also working on being grateful for the things that stress me out every now and then. Because it forces me to see some sort of silver lining; right now it’s more gray than silver but it does the job. When I’m focused on the good it’s easier for me to come up with a constructive solution to alleviate the bad. And call me crazy but when I feel good I start noticing more good in my life. And the good keeps getting easier and easier to identify. And that my friends is a result of your brain strengthening the little roads in your head that the little Joy character (you know from the movie Inside Out) likes to visits in your brain. And when your joy on the inside (physiologically) then you can’t help but reflect being joy on the outside. And at the end of it all. That IS what really matters.