The most important thing I have to say to you is I LOVE YOU. I’m not sure that you believe this or recognize it as the truth. But it is. Everything else below is just noise. Noise that matters. But still noise.
We have a complicated relationship… or at least it is in my mind. Im sure you find it frustrating too. I know it is very possible that I’m not the daughter you had hoped I would turn out to be. Mainly I feel like I am this huge disappointment to you. But to live my life the way you see fit would not be a life worth living to me. Not that the things you want for me are terrible and I’m not upset at you for wanting these things either. But it just so happens they are just not as appealing to me and I wish my preferences didn’t upset you either. But they do. And thats where the resistance comes from between us.
I like ME. My life is messy, yes its frustrating, but I understand how I got where I am. Could I have made things easier on myself by choosing different things at different times along the way in the past. Probably. But I take ownership of this messy life that I call mine. It’s not perfect. Im not perfect. And I’m ok with that. Im ok with not being a doctor. Im ok with not settling down at 25 and having 2 babies already. Im ok with still pursuing my dream job and being in school as a result of it; even though my piers have all the things mentioned above and are “on track”. Im trying to create my happiness. I realize that the way Im going about living my life could possibly be the biggest fuck up ever and I could wake up one day realizing what an idiot I was. And you are always telling me this is the case. But I am really hoping I get to prove you wrong. For both of our sakes. Because I know at the end of the day all you really want is for me to be accomplished and taken care of. And so do I. We just don’t agree on what those things look like or how I should get there.
I would love more than anything for you to adore the person I am. And I’m sure nothing would make you prouder than having me look up to you as a dad and as a person. We had that when I was younger. I miss my dad that used to be my buddy that would play with me in the park when I was 5. But somewhere, somehow things changes between us; not exactly sure when it happened. But since then we have been like two pieces of drift wood cut from the same tree, separated by a fork in a river, uncontrollably floating farther and farther apart. It seems as though we disagree on just about everything under the sun. But for what it’s worth I do try to understand your perspective. Im hoping someday we will flow back into a common body of understanding.
Please don’t think that the lack of substance in our relationship does not effect me. It does. I spend a lot of time and energy constantly trying to mend, understand or even just letting be. Know that you are not a passive figment in my life. Your life is important to me. You are someone that I care about very much. No matter the grand canyon worth of differences between us, I will always have love for you. Im stubborn like that. And I get that from you. I get my big heart from mom, so thank her for that.
I know most of the time I don’t make you feel loved even though deep down I do… This is especially hard for me to take ownership of. Especially since it is not in line with how I treat people in general. Showing compassion and love is actually something that comes easy to me. So it is especially hard on me to know that I have difficulty sharing this with someone that I care far more about than some rando person I met on the street. I try to show love and generosity to you. But it’s a frustrating experience when I try because it is never received or reciprocated the way I would like for it to be. And I know that doesn’t mean that you don’t feel love for me. I believe you do. And I am thankful for that. I am thankful for you.