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PSST… I’VE NEVER HAD A VALENTINE (AND IT’S NOT A BIG DEAL)


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Dear Valentine,

Where the frack are you? I have been waiting sooo firkin long for you to come out of the wood work of cascading first dates. Year after year of being starry-eyed after the clock strikes New Year thinking I still got a chance b/c there is still the entire month of January to turn around my singledom (I make up words) before the heart ❤️ shaped confetti whirls around me on the 14th of February. Where is my grand romantic gesture? Like the ones you see in all the rom-coms that I adore. Maybe you’re a secret admirer? Well come on then. Make a move! Like a spontaneous romantic weekend getaway ? The torrential rain fall kiss that catches us off guard in downtown? Maybe we will lock eyes across a Vegas dance floor and bear our souls when we make it to the middle. Perhaps a late night research project turned to a date? I mean C’mon even an edible arrangement will do. You could have been anyone of those guys. Is there something wrong with me?… Oh wait. I’ve already had all of those experiences…Just not on V-day. So I’m going to continue to pout and make it mean all kinds of ugly things about me.

That’s pretty much how I used to relate to Valentines Day before I came into my own as a person and as a woman. For the longest time I felt mentally bulldozed by popular propaganda that if I was alone on V-Day it meant that I was lacking something. Even though I have had many wonderful dating adventures, somehow it means there is something wrong with me because I don’t have “A” valentine or a ring on my finger. If you are a girl and alone on V-day it must be because you’re not attractive enough, not skinny enough, not curvy enough,  not sexy enough or intelligent enough to attract a mate. Maybe it’s because your too confident, too unapproachable, to goal oriented, too picky or too independent. These are all rationalizations that I have heard women ask themselves and impose upon me. And now I look back and think “SERIOUSLY?” How in the world did I ever think these dialogues with myself and other women were ever acceptable. That there was something lacking in me that needed to be corrected before anyone would ever fathom being with me. Furthermore, I was roped into the belief that it was something that wasn’t happening to me. A circumstance that was created with out my participation or personal choice. That I had to be chosen by a man and deemed worthy instead of me calling the shots. And by being chosen by some other’s subjective perspective, then and only then would I be deemed worthy defined by beauty, status and success. Otherwise I would basically be failing at Darwinian selection. The horror! Thankfully women like myself are waking up to the bold face lie.

YOU CAME INTO THIS WORLD WHOLE, PERFECT, AND COMPLETE.

Here is a concept. I don’t have a Valentine because I choose not to. What?! I know right! It’s a mind-blowing concept in the 21st century. And no I’m not saying I’m choosing to be alone. I would actually love to be in a relationship. However, I refuse to be in a relationship just for the sake of being in a relationship. I refuse to settle for a lackluster experience when it comes to being in love. And I’m not interested in wasting my energy faking it when that same energy could be used to create other things I find meaningful in this life. Nope, I want fireworks! And don’t even try to tell me that doesn’t exist. Because I have seen it. And if it exists then why can’t I have that too? Exactly, there is no good reason why I can’t if beck with the long hair can. Same goes for you. So tell me I have my head up in the clouds. I don’t care. I rather be alone than basically hand my heart to someone while saying ” You’ll do”.

Also, whats with this lingering misconception that one must be paired up with a suitable mate to truly be happy and fulfilled with one’s life? Does my life, the things I have created, the non-romantic relationships I have fostered, and the experiences I have allowed myself to feel joy in not amount to a damn thing if I’m single? Is it really hard to believe that I can experience the same level of happiness, joy and contentment as my paired up counterparts? I don’t think so. So do your single friends a favor people. Stop feeling sorry for them and trying to set them up (unless they want you to). And if only for a moment, believe them when they say “I’m good :)”.

So ladies if you are single on Valentines please don’t fret. Enjoy the day, celebrate love, or ignore it because it’s just another consumerist holiday. Basically do whatever you want. Just don’t get yourself down about it because it doesn’t mean a damn thing about you. And if you do have a Valentine than that’s awesome too. Do all the things mentioned above. Just keep in mind it also doesn’t mean a damn thing about you 😉

Happy V-DAY

♥️ 💜 ♥️

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THE CASUAL MAN


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Sooooo the past couple of months ( 6-ish) I have been talking to this guy. Let’s name him “Roger” for the sake of anonymity. I met him on a popular dating website and right away made it very clear that I was looking for more than just a hook up and was aiming to find something more substantial. He said he felt the same and so with a leap of faith I jumped into the untested waters of Roger.

In the beginning it was great. We had great chemistry over texts and the conversation was easy and flowing… and so we texted, and texted… and texted… and wait its been a few weeks since we started talking… shouldn’t this guy be asking me out by now? At first I thought it was nice that he wasn’t pushing anything on me but then quickly the thought became frustrating. Like why the hell wasn’t this guy trying to make plans to meet up if he’s so in to me? So naturally I asked him, “Dude? Why haven’t you asked me out yet?”. His reply, ” I didn’t want to seem pushy and figured you would ask to hang out when you were ready”. Damn I hate it when I can’t argue with someones reasoning when it makes sense. Initially I thought wow thats so sweet and considerate. But at the time I had also fallen victim to the rose colored glasses I put on a week ago. You know the ones, obnoxious heart shaped sunnies that blur all sense of intuition and well reasoned judgment.

Anywhoo we ended up meeting up ( a plan that I initiated) and had a great time and blah blah blah. We continued our conversations and stayed in touch until one day I found myself so annoyed at the realization that this guy had literally never put in any effort to initiate any meet ups or dates. Although he made himself available to me when I initiated conversations or made plans to hang out (which by the way always ended up being at his place) he never made the effort to make plans or move the relationship forward in any way.

Shortly after a two week span of not hearing from him (yes I was testing to see if he would reach out if I wasn’t the one perpetuating the conversation) I decided to put an end to this game. I explained to him I wasn’t really getting what I had hoped for out of our interaction. And so we ended it. And that was that or so I thought.

About two months later I get a text from him explaining that he missed our interaction, and that he would be better about giving me what I wanted and so on. I made a case for my hesitation to jump back in. BUT being the hopeless romantic that I am, I decided to give it another go.

I should NOT have done that. Hind sight is always 20/20 right? Going forward the second time I made it very clear what I wanted. And by no means were my expectations unreasonable. I explained I expected the same amount of energy being put into the relationship as I was investing. No one sided crap where I was always the one doing the work to make plans. I wanted to feel wanted and missed equally. These are not unreasonable expectations people! And he said he totally understood and promised that going forward things would be different. But were they? Nope. During the second time around I was scheduled to have a minor surgery for some health related issues. The day before the surgery we were texting and I was talking about how nervous I was. Forward to the day of, and the day after, and the week post surgery; I had not received a single text from him asking how I was doing. At this point I felt like I could have been dead and this guy would not have cared. Where was the friendship, where was the interest, where was he?

You see Roger is the type of guy that is always there when you want to hang out. Does wonders for your self esteem when you are talking to him. He makes you feel like your the only girl in the world when your with him. He’s not titling around on his phone,  makes you laugh, can hold intelligent conversation, likes to talk about his family, and definitely knows how to give you all those warm wonderful feels that you mistake as proof of a building relationship. Yet he is also the type of guy that never initiates plans, somehow always manages to steer the conversation so it ends on a sexual note, and when you do hang out it always ends up being at his place where he cleverly mixes the right amount of hanging out that inevitably leads to “netflix and chill” time. When your with him every thing feels great.  But as soon as you leave a giant “WAIT WTF IS GOING ON?” hits you smack in the face in the form of a face palm. And since you agreed to a casual interaction with a “lets see how things go” clause, you never really can justify your irritation. But when someone can’t even extend you the common curtesy of following up with you post surgery to see how your doing, that says something about their level of involvement with you (not a high bar dude). And that was the moment I knew where I fell on his social ranking list. It was an interaction of convenience for him. If a good time in the form of me came his way he wasn’t going to reject it, but he also didn’t see the worth in working to keep it going.

To say the least Roger has been a mind F@!#. He made me feel like I was investing in a relationship/friendship that had potential. More importantly he made me feel like our relationship was of value to him. However, in reality there really never was a “we”; just a string of casual interactions that were no different than a casual activity to him. He was wrong in all the right ways, positively uplifting, making it extremely difficult for my ego to shut him out. At first it was light and fun. But then I started noticing the offset balance of attachment and the absence of an actual friendship between us. Once that became clear the interaction quickly spiraled downward and proved to be too taxing on my patience and the frustration ended up outweighing the fun I had when I was with him. Roger had to go.

From this experience I gained clarity on a very important realization that has been dying to get in the spotlight of my mind. I DESERVE to be a priority. And I will not settle for anything less from the people that want in on my inner social circle. Especially the someone I am considering being in a romantic relationship with. Don’t sell yourself short. Ever.