FAMILY

WRITING LETTERS

DEAR BABY BROTHER,


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Please know I love you to the moon and back. Where do I begin. You have been a strange wonder to me since the first moment I held you. I remember looking at your face and into your eyes and thinking ,”What are you going to be like when you grow up? What will you create? Will you be nice? Will you like me?”. My relationship with you is a unique one. And I am sure that it is like non other that I have ever known before or will come to know on my journey here. We have shared a mother, a father, a family, a micro-community that created experiences that have collectively defined each of us.

I know I haven’t always been the best sister. And if I ever did anything that left a permanent scar on your heart I am sorry. I am even more sorry for the ones I can’t apologize for b/c I am unaware of them. Perhaps one of the hardest things to come to terms with when you are in a position of someone looking up to you is that your best will  inevitably fall short of their expectations. In some shape or form you will fail them because they will either outgrow you or surpass you. You most likely would agree that disappointment is the natural product of holding any expectation. lol. But I do want you to know that I have always tried to do my best to be a good sister. I try because you matter a great deal to me.

I know my love is tough at times. However, it is not without a great deal of thought and always with the best of intentions. At times I know you feel like I don’t get you. Just know that, even in the face of our many disagreements, I see you. You may not think that is true at times. But it is true whether you like it or not haha. I love you so much. And I see your beautiful little soul every time I look at you, the same one I saw when I first held you. You are my baby brother: A beautiful gift from the universe that I with out a doubt am constantly learning from. Thank you for choosing to be here.

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WRITING LETTERS

DEAR DAD,


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The most important thing I have to say to you is I LOVE YOU. I’m not sure that you believe this or recognize it as the truth. But it is. Everything else below is just noise. Noise that matters. But still noise.

We have a complicated relationship… or at least it is in my mind. Im sure you find it frustrating too. I know it is very possible that I’m not the daughter you had hoped I would turn out to be. Mainly I feel like I am this huge disappointment to you. But to live my life the way you see fit would not be a life worth living to me. Not that the things you want for me are terrible and I’m not upset at you for wanting these things either. But it just so happens they are just not as appealing to me and I wish my preferences didn’t upset you either. But they do. And thats where the resistance comes from between us.

 

I like ME. My life is messy, yes its frustrating, but I understand how I got where I am. Could I have made things easier on myself by choosing different things at different times along the way in the past. Probably. But I take ownership of this messy life that I call mine. It’s not perfect. Im not perfect. And I’m ok with that. Im ok with not being a doctor. Im ok with not settling down at 25 and having 2 babies already. Im ok with still pursuing my dream job and being in school as a result of it; even though my piers have all the things mentioned above and are “on track”. Im trying to create my happiness. I realize that the way Im going about living my life could possibly be the biggest fuck up ever and I could wake up one day realizing what an idiot I was. And you are always telling me this is the case. But I am really hoping I get to prove you wrong. For both of our sakes. Because I know at the end of the day all you really want is for me to be accomplished and taken care of. And so do I. We just don’t agree on what those things look like or how I should get there.

I would love more than anything for you to adore the person I am. And I’m sure nothing would make you prouder than having me look up to you as a dad and as a person. We had that when I was younger. I miss my dad that used to be my buddy that would play with me in the park when I was 5. But somewhere, somehow things changes between us; not exactly sure when it happened. But since then we have been like two pieces of drift wood cut from the same tree, separated by a fork in a river, uncontrollably floating farther and farther apart. It seems as though we disagree on just about everything under the sun. But for what it’s worth I do try to understand your perspective. Im hoping someday we will flow back into a common body of understanding.

Please don’t think that the lack of substance in our relationship does not effect me. It does. I spend a lot of time and energy constantly trying to mend, understand or even just letting be. Know that you are not a passive figment in my life. Your life is important to me. You are someone that I care about very much. No matter the grand canyon worth of differences between us, I will always have love for you. Im stubborn like that. And I get that from you. I get my big heart from mom, so thank her for that.

I know most of the time I don’t make you feel loved even though deep down I do… This is especially hard for me to take ownership of. Especially since it is not in line with how I treat people in general. Showing compassion and love is actually something that comes easy to me. So it is especially hard on me to know that I have difficulty sharing this with someone that I care far more about than some rando person I met on the street. I try to show love and generosity to you. But it’s a frustrating experience when I try because it is never received or reciprocated the way I would like for it to be. And I know that doesn’t mean that you don’t feel love for me. I believe you do. And I am thankful for that. I am thankful for you.

 

WRITING LETTERS

DEAR MOM,


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Im going to preface by saying I will never be able to compose myself or articulate completely all the feels you make me feel. Also, every time I think about how you make me feel I legit cry. Uncontrollably emotional. I am turning into you!!!!!

It’s actually really frustrating because time after time I fail to fully convey all of the love and gratitude I have for you. But it is a wonderful problem to have 🙂 You are just sooo incredible Mom. You are my real life super hero, earth angel, guardian, or whatever you want to call it. And if all I had to show for at the end of my life was the relationship that I shared with you then honestly I would be content with that. I would go with a smile on my face knowing I was loved in the deepest and best way possible. And I don’t take that granted for one moment…ok maybe sometimes when we disagree…but the other 99.9% of the time I bask in the comfort of knowing I’m blessed to have you.

Maybe I have some unhealthy attachment going on here but I’m not sure Im actually interested in fixing that. Because I’m scared to let go. My instinct is to hold on to you as tight as I can.  Yes Im having a hard time standing up on my own two feet, and hopefully I WILL get there soon. But you are always there for me, perhaps even too much, but that is in your nature.  Your heart is a generous one and for you to operate in any other way would be a disservice to yourself. 

You are my lifeline… literally and metaphorically. In my lowest of low times I am able to think of you and your love for me and find my strength again. Honestly, your love for me is the only thing that has stood in the way of me and some pretty reckless life choices that would undoubtedly make you gasp. Trust me ya don’t want to know 😉 

You are the best thing in my life mom and I love you so much. I hope I am able to make you feel loved more days than not. And I say that because I am aware that as your child I am completely capable of and do operate in incredibly selfish ways that can leave you feeling otherwise at times. Just know that I am trying my best to show you love and compassion even when Im not at my best. 

‘Til next time,

I love you so much ❤