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A CANDID NEW YEAR POST


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Today is January 1st, 2019 and I don’t feel anything like they say you are suppose to on this day…

I don’t feel like I’m filled with hope or positivity. In fact I feel the opposite. I feel hopeless and a whole lot of anger. Hopeless to my current circumstance and angry at myself for feeling this way on this day dedicated to new beginnings! Angry that I’m here. Angry that I’m not better even in this moment. Angry that I don’t feel like giving to those around me. Angry that I’m mad at them for not being there for me the way I want them to. Angry that I’m still needing the external validation despite knowing better. Angry that I’m taking this life for granted in this moment. I am just so angry for being HERE.

I felt moved to share these not so festive feelings so that those of you that are feeling the same way know you are not alone. Maybe these words will bring an unexpected comfort to a stranger half way around the world or maybe even to my neighbor next door masked in anonymity. I know putting them out there has somehow transformed the feelings inside me just now. Brought me an inch closer to feeling peace in the raging storm of my mind.

Just don’t give up on yourself. Not this year. Not today. Not yet. You are not alone.


WRITING LETTERS

DEAR MOM,


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Im going to preface by saying I will never be able to compose myself or articulate completely all the feels you make me feel. Also, every time I think about how you make me feel I legit cry. Uncontrollably emotional. I am turning into you!!!!!

It’s actually really frustrating because time after time I fail to fully convey all of the love and gratitude I have for you. But it is a wonderful problem to have 🙂 You are just sooo incredible Mom. You are my real life super hero, earth angel, guardian, or whatever you want to call it. And if all I had to show for at the end of my life was the relationship that I shared with you then honestly I would be content with that. I would go with a smile on my face knowing I was loved in the deepest and best way possible. And I don’t take that granted for one moment…ok maybe sometimes when we disagree…but the other 99.9% of the time I bask in the comfort of knowing I’m blessed to have you.

Maybe I have some unhealthy attachment going on here but I’m not sure Im actually interested in fixing that. Because I’m scared to let go. My instinct is to hold on to you as tight as I can.  Yes Im having a hard time standing up on my own two feet, and hopefully I WILL get there soon. But you are always there for me, perhaps even too much, but that is in your nature.  Your heart is a generous one and for you to operate in any other way would be a disservice to yourself. 

You are my lifeline… literally and metaphorically. In my lowest of low times I am able to think of you and your love for me and find my strength again. Honestly, your love for me is the only thing that has stood in the way of me and some pretty reckless life choices that would undoubtedly make you gasp. Trust me ya don’t want to know 😉 

You are the best thing in my life mom and I love you so much. I hope I am able to make you feel loved more days than not. And I say that because I am aware that as your child I am completely capable of and do operate in incredibly selfish ways that can leave you feeling otherwise at times. Just know that I am trying my best to show you love and compassion even when Im not at my best. 

‘Til next time,

I love you so much ❤