RELATIONSHIPS

WRITING LETTERS

DEAR BABY BROTHER,


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Please know I love you to the moon and back. Where do I begin. You have been a strange wonder to me since the first moment I held you. I remember looking at your face and into your eyes and thinking ,”What are you going to be like when you grow up? What will you create? Will you be nice? Will you like me?”. My relationship with you is a unique one. And I am sure that it is like non other that I have ever known before or will come to know on my journey here. We have shared a mother, a father, a family, a micro-community that created experiences that have collectively defined each of us.

I know I haven’t always been the best sister. And if I ever did anything that left a permanent scar on your heart I am sorry. I am even more sorry for the ones I can’t apologize for b/c I am unaware of them. Perhaps one of the hardest things to come to terms with when you are in a position of someone looking up to you is that your best will  inevitably fall short of their expectations. In some shape or form you will fail them because they will either outgrow you or surpass you. You most likely would agree that disappointment is the natural product of holding any expectation. lol. But I do want you to know that I have always tried to do my best to be a good sister. I try because you matter a great deal to me.

I know my love is tough at times. However, it is not without a great deal of thought and always with the best of intentions. At times I know you feel like I don’t get you. Just know that, even in the face of our many disagreements, I see you. You may not think that is true at times. But it is true whether you like it or not haha. I love you so much. And I see your beautiful little soul every time I look at you, the same one I saw when I first held you. You are my baby brother: A beautiful gift from the universe that I with out a doubt am constantly learning from. Thank you for choosing to be here.

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WRITING LETTERS

DEAR DAD,


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The most important thing I have to say to you is I LOVE YOU. I’m not sure that you believe this or recognize it as the truth. But it is. Everything else below is just noise. Noise that matters. But still noise.

We have a complicated relationship… or at least it is in my mind. Im sure you find it frustrating too. I know it is very possible that I’m not the daughter you had hoped I would turn out to be. Mainly I feel like I am this huge disappointment to you. But to live my life the way you see fit would not be a life worth living to me. Not that the things you want for me are terrible and I’m not upset at you for wanting these things either. But it just so happens they are just not as appealing to me and I wish my preferences didn’t upset you either. But they do. And thats where the resistance comes from between us.

 

I like ME. My life is messy, yes its frustrating, but I understand how I got where I am. Could I have made things easier on myself by choosing different things at different times along the way in the past. Probably. But I take ownership of this messy life that I call mine. It’s not perfect. Im not perfect. And I’m ok with that. Im ok with not being a doctor. Im ok with not settling down at 25 and having 2 babies already. Im ok with still pursuing my dream job and being in school as a result of it; even though my piers have all the things mentioned above and are “on track”. Im trying to create my happiness. I realize that the way Im going about living my life could possibly be the biggest fuck up ever and I could wake up one day realizing what an idiot I was. And you are always telling me this is the case. But I am really hoping I get to prove you wrong. For both of our sakes. Because I know at the end of the day all you really want is for me to be accomplished and taken care of. And so do I. We just don’t agree on what those things look like or how I should get there.

I would love more than anything for you to adore the person I am. And I’m sure nothing would make you prouder than having me look up to you as a dad and as a person. We had that when I was younger. I miss my dad that used to be my buddy that would play with me in the park when I was 5. But somewhere, somehow things changes between us; not exactly sure when it happened. But since then we have been like two pieces of drift wood cut from the same tree, separated by a fork in a river, uncontrollably floating farther and farther apart. It seems as though we disagree on just about everything under the sun. But for what it’s worth I do try to understand your perspective. Im hoping someday we will flow back into a common body of understanding.

Please don’t think that the lack of substance in our relationship does not effect me. It does. I spend a lot of time and energy constantly trying to mend, understand or even just letting be. Know that you are not a passive figment in my life. Your life is important to me. You are someone that I care about very much. No matter the grand canyon worth of differences between us, I will always have love for you. Im stubborn like that. And I get that from you. I get my big heart from mom, so thank her for that.

I know most of the time I don’t make you feel loved even though deep down I do… This is especially hard for me to take ownership of. Especially since it is not in line with how I treat people in general. Showing compassion and love is actually something that comes easy to me. So it is especially hard on me to know that I have difficulty sharing this with someone that I care far more about than some rando person I met on the street. I try to show love and generosity to you. But it’s a frustrating experience when I try because it is never received or reciprocated the way I would like for it to be. And I know that doesn’t mean that you don’t feel love for me. I believe you do. And I am thankful for that. I am thankful for you.

 

WRITING LETTERS

DEAR MOM,


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Im going to preface by saying I will never be able to compose myself or articulate completely all the feels you make me feel. Also, every time I think about how you make me feel I legit cry. Uncontrollably emotional. I am turning into you!!!!!

It’s actually really frustrating because time after time I fail to fully convey all of the love and gratitude I have for you. But it is a wonderful problem to have 🙂 You are just sooo incredible Mom. You are my real life super hero, earth angel, guardian, or whatever you want to call it. And if all I had to show for at the end of my life was the relationship that I shared with you then honestly I would be content with that. I would go with a smile on my face knowing I was loved in the deepest and best way possible. And I don’t take that granted for one moment…ok maybe sometimes when we disagree…but the other 99.9% of the time I bask in the comfort of knowing I’m blessed to have you.

Maybe I have some unhealthy attachment going on here but I’m not sure Im actually interested in fixing that. Because I’m scared to let go. My instinct is to hold on to you as tight as I can.  Yes Im having a hard time standing up on my own two feet, and hopefully I WILL get there soon. But you are always there for me, perhaps even too much, but that is in your nature.  Your heart is a generous one and for you to operate in any other way would be a disservice to yourself. 

You are my lifeline… literally and metaphorically. In my lowest of low times I am able to think of you and your love for me and find my strength again. Honestly, your love for me is the only thing that has stood in the way of me and some pretty reckless life choices that would undoubtedly make you gasp. Trust me ya don’t want to know 😉 

You are the best thing in my life mom and I love you so much. I hope I am able to make you feel loved more days than not. And I say that because I am aware that as your child I am completely capable of and do operate in incredibly selfish ways that can leave you feeling otherwise at times. Just know that I am trying my best to show you love and compassion even when Im not at my best. 

‘Til next time,

I love you so much ❤

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THE CASUAL MAN


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Sooooo the past couple of months ( 6-ish) I have been talking to this guy. Let’s name him “Roger” for the sake of anonymity. I met him on a popular dating website and right away made it very clear that I was looking for more than just a hook up and was aiming to find something more substantial. He said he felt the same and so with a leap of faith I jumped into the untested waters of Roger.

In the beginning it was great. We had great chemistry over texts and the conversation was easy and flowing… and so we texted, and texted… and texted… and wait its been a few weeks since we started talking… shouldn’t this guy be asking me out by now? At first I thought it was nice that he wasn’t pushing anything on me but then quickly the thought became frustrating. Like why the hell wasn’t this guy trying to make plans to meet up if he’s so in to me? So naturally I asked him, “Dude? Why haven’t you asked me out yet?”. His reply, ” I didn’t want to seem pushy and figured you would ask to hang out when you were ready”. Damn I hate it when I can’t argue with someones reasoning when it makes sense. Initially I thought wow thats so sweet and considerate. But at the time I had also fallen victim to the rose colored glasses I put on a week ago. You know the ones, obnoxious heart shaped sunnies that blur all sense of intuition and well reasoned judgment.

Anywhoo we ended up meeting up ( a plan that I initiated) and had a great time and blah blah blah. We continued our conversations and stayed in touch until one day I found myself so annoyed at the realization that this guy had literally never put in any effort to initiate any meet ups or dates. Although he made himself available to me when I initiated conversations or made plans to hang out (which by the way always ended up being at his place) he never made the effort to make plans or move the relationship forward in any way.

Shortly after a two week span of not hearing from him (yes I was testing to see if he would reach out if I wasn’t the one perpetuating the conversation) I decided to put an end to this game. I explained to him I wasn’t really getting what I had hoped for out of our interaction. And so we ended it. And that was that or so I thought.

About two months later I get a text from him explaining that he missed our interaction, and that he would be better about giving me what I wanted and so on. I made a case for my hesitation to jump back in. BUT being the hopeless romantic that I am, I decided to give it another go.

I should NOT have done that. Hind sight is always 20/20 right? Going forward the second time I made it very clear what I wanted. And by no means were my expectations unreasonable. I explained I expected the same amount of energy being put into the relationship as I was investing. No one sided crap where I was always the one doing the work to make plans. I wanted to feel wanted and missed equally. These are not unreasonable expectations people! And he said he totally understood and promised that going forward things would be different. But were they? Nope. During the second time around I was scheduled to have a minor surgery for some health related issues. The day before the surgery we were texting and I was talking about how nervous I was. Forward to the day of, and the day after, and the week post surgery; I had not received a single text from him asking how I was doing. At this point I felt like I could have been dead and this guy would not have cared. Where was the friendship, where was the interest, where was he?

You see Roger is the type of guy that is always there when you want to hang out. Does wonders for your self esteem when you are talking to him. He makes you feel like your the only girl in the world when your with him. He’s not titling around on his phone,  makes you laugh, can hold intelligent conversation, likes to talk about his family, and definitely knows how to give you all those warm wonderful feels that you mistake as proof of a building relationship. Yet he is also the type of guy that never initiates plans, somehow always manages to steer the conversation so it ends on a sexual note, and when you do hang out it always ends up being at his place where he cleverly mixes the right amount of hanging out that inevitably leads to “netflix and chill” time. When your with him every thing feels great.  But as soon as you leave a giant “WAIT WTF IS GOING ON?” hits you smack in the face in the form of a face palm. And since you agreed to a casual interaction with a “lets see how things go” clause, you never really can justify your irritation. But when someone can’t even extend you the common curtesy of following up with you post surgery to see how your doing, that says something about their level of involvement with you (not a high bar dude). And that was the moment I knew where I fell on his social ranking list. It was an interaction of convenience for him. If a good time in the form of me came his way he wasn’t going to reject it, but he also didn’t see the worth in working to keep it going.

To say the least Roger has been a mind F@!#. He made me feel like I was investing in a relationship/friendship that had potential. More importantly he made me feel like our relationship was of value to him. However, in reality there really never was a “we”; just a string of casual interactions that were no different than a casual activity to him. He was wrong in all the right ways, positively uplifting, making it extremely difficult for my ego to shut him out. At first it was light and fun. But then I started noticing the offset balance of attachment and the absence of an actual friendship between us. Once that became clear the interaction quickly spiraled downward and proved to be too taxing on my patience and the frustration ended up outweighing the fun I had when I was with him. Roger had to go.

From this experience I gained clarity on a very important realization that has been dying to get in the spotlight of my mind. I DESERVE to be a priority. And I will not settle for anything less from the people that want in on my inner social circle. Especially the someone I am considering being in a romantic relationship with. Don’t sell yourself short. Ever.

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THE YOUNGER MAN


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If you are an older female feeling a bit insecure and bogged down by age old standards of acceptable age ranges for suitable men then do read on. This conversation was spurred on by this nagging insecurity that decided to break though after recently dating a younger guy. Prior to this I firmly stuck to my belief that love is love and age is just a number. And I still completely subscribe to this belief. However, it didn’t stop the societal chatter from breaking in and introducing an intermittent feeling of self-doubt. I hope the following conversation I had with my cousin and his perspective as a younger man dating an older woman will aid in making one thing clear… You SHOULD always always always do whatever the frack you feel like doing (as long as you’re not some psycho serial killer type) 🙂 RenderedImage-1.PNGRenderedImage.PNG

The only thing left to do now is to go forth and be unapologetically you ❤